(This post was also eaten by the big Blogger crash. Luckily, I had a backup of this one, though I did lose two lovely comments, which I am still grateful for.)
It's just over an hour since that last entry, but this one deserves it's own space.
On Friday, I wrote what I thought was a very good letter to The Muse, to try to reopen communication between us. I sat with it for three days, made little changes here and there, showed it to E and J, waged war within myself over whether I would actually send it or not, and decided that I had to.
Knowing that I had a day of distraction planned, I sent it off with a deep prayer just before Paulstro, Laura and I left for The City. All day, I was aware that there was a good chance I would get a reply of some sort, and that life could change irrevocably as a result. Well, I got a response, and it did change.
In four or five lines, she made it abundantly clear that she wants nothing to do with me. Utter teflon, her response was. A wall that is impossible to climb over or go around. So that's that. There is nothing more I can do, if she won't even engage. I will not become a stalker. I will also not get angry.
I guess she just becomes a character in a story now. Those six months are trapped in amber : the Fripp concert and the big Christmas tree and the Solstice Salon and, of course, all the shamanic circles. I would not be drumming without her. I would not be Icarus! without her. So I suppose I should be thankful.
But all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry for awhile, and grieve over things that are lost.
My Dearest Sister, my deepest sympathies. I grieve with you, because I played a bit part in this relationship.
ReplyDeleteI feel sorry for Mary. I sense that she has shut you out beacause of fear (fear of what, I do not know), and I had hoped that with a little bit of time, she would realize that when you care about someone (whether that someone is a friend-of-the-heart or a lover), that caring can transcend pretty much any barrier. I guess that is not to be, but you, my dearest love, are a better and stronger person because of this relationship. I know that I don't need to tell you to not regret any of it. It was necessary, it needed to happen, in order for you to be "you," in order for you to know yourself in a more complete way.
Bringing coal to Newcastle, I know.
I'm glad that new things are opening up for you. You are truly amazing!!
My dear one, we have already talked this over and lived it together, but I know this is an important moment in life - a turning point - and it is worth putting in writing. Remember, you got beat with your best pitch and did nothing wrong. No knuckleballs, no balking, just your best try. You loved fully and risked everything, and where you fell is due to that wonderful and painful thing known as someone else's free will - the thing that can make being loved by someone so glorious, and the thing that can rip you apart because you know how good it could have been if only they had jumped in with you. I believe in my heart that it is only fear - I saw how she was with you, and it was real. So it is worth grieving for. We all love you.
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