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One More Day At My Threshold Place ...























It's starting to hit me, like a ton of rocks, that a week from tomorrow I am leaving for London, first stop on this two month mad wander into the unknown.  I am under prepared, unsure whether I am exhilarated or terrified, yet I am doing it anyway.  Tell me again, why did I sign up for this shamanism thing???

Of course, going away, even for something as potentially wonderful and life changing as this, means there is a lot to leave behind.  Some things, of course, I can't be away from fast enough.  Others, like my my loved ones and the beautiful, magickal places that nourish me, are going to be harder to walk away from.  A lot harder.

It's been such a blessing, truly falling in love with the sea for the first time in my life this last year or so.  It's also been something of a challenge, with all of the stereotypes of what it means to be into The Jersey Shore, to explain how this landscape, and one town in particular, have shaped me so deeply.

All of these thoughts were rumbling around in me on this last big adventure to my beloved Avon By The Sea.  Driving out to the Hook to see the old houses of Fort Hancock, then up to the Twin Lights to look out at The City in the distance, it was impossible not to think of who I was when I first saw those places.

Arriving at Avon itself, I tried to be present in the moment, but admit I was also trying to take everything in, as if inhaling everything my senses could handle would make me somehow miss it less when the inevitable homesickness hits.  A folly, of course, but then, I am the Zero Card.  Yep.  That's me.

As evening began to settle in, as people began to clear out and the sky became richer and streaked with purple, I was reminded of the countless hours of solitude here in the middle of Winter, of the countless sigils I cast in the sand, of promises I made and long running storylines that I hope will have happy endings one day.

I didn't want to leave.  I never want to leave.  But that's how it works, on the micro and macro levels.  I have to go away, far from everything I know, so I can learn about myself, and about the mask I wear, so I can heal my broken heart, so I can be of use, to my loved ones, and to the people who trust me magickally and shamanically, who treat me as if I actually know what I'm doing.

Can I do this?  Really?  I honestly don't know.  But on hard days, when I'm ready to yell at the wind and stamp around on the moors waving my fist at the sky, I'll remember this last day at my threshold place, reading Charles de Lint while my Anam Cara frolicked in the sand, eating dinner atop the big windmill in Long Branch, imagining who I'll be when I return.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks to the "movie camera in your brain," and your awesome pics, you will be able to take your beloved places with you, even as you find new places to share with all of us back home.

    As I have been told by my Patroness, striking out blindly and trusting that you will arrive where you are meant to be is an experience for each of us, a necessary one. I am certain that you will find your "self," the "self" you are meant to be at this time; we will keep the homefires burning for your return.

    Hugs and much love!

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