Oh Fuck, What Am I About To Do ...

It's after 1am, and E and I are sitting at the kitchen table, on dueling computers, trying to get my housing situation settled for the first few days in England.  She just stumbled upon a great deal for a Holiday Inn Express by Heathrow, which will give me a nice place to recover from the jetlag and acclimate before really digging into the heart of this pilgrimage.

Today was a much more stressful day, as the details and fears seemed to overwhelm the excitement for awhile.  Being on Shift on a Wednesday is always tough.  Being on Shift on a Wednesday the day before leaving for nine weeks (which means missing nine Wednesdays) is even tougher.  There were some bright spots, though.  Bright spots indeed.

E and I ran out for the stragglers from yesterday, and I got comfy shoes and pajamas and a few water bottles and dangling tech issues notwithstanding, I am ready.  The bright spot,  of course, has nothing to do with any of these purchases, but everything to do with us finding that Wednesday space one more time.  Dear god, this is going to be hard.

We bought a copy of Deathly Hallows at Target, and went home around 9 to have one more family evening together (since Glee is finished).  I loved it even more the second time, though some aspects of it were a little hard to engage with.  Especially the loneliness.  But nevertheless, it was a perfect end to the day, and a nice way to wrap up our last night together for awhile.

Honestly, this is all a little unreal.
Tomorrow night's entry will most likely be written from the plane.

Say a little prayer for me, alright everyone?

Singing With The Birds on Flame Shift #38 ...

The birds are singing.

I didn't realize it was getting on towards five am until the birds started singing.  Nature's alarm clock, that lot!  Heh heh.

I am a little over eight hours into Flame Shift #38, my last up here in The Womb for awhile.  I know that one of the next few will actually be in Kildare, which is kind of a mindfuck.  I wonder where the other ones will end up being?

Thus far, this Shift has been all about grounding, about connecting, about setting things in order so I can be free to fly.  Whether it was cleaning and organizing books and comics, or even watching the last three episodes of season one of Glee (OMG, I loooooove those kids!) I feel like I put some important things to bed.

The rest of the day was no less important or lovely.  E and I had a wonderfully connective morning, strengthening our bond at exactly the right time.  I went to the salon in the early afternoon and spent time with (and got pampered by) my dear Faith and Ali.  So many lovely people I am surrounded by.  So many to miss.

The rest of the day was errands errands errands.  So much infrastructure, so many tiny moving pieces, to be away from home for so long.  I'm still not done.  I need shoes.  I need to exchange a shirt.  My tech / 3G situation is still totally up in the air, but I have a little more time.  A little.

Such a nice day with my dear loved ones.  Of course, this is precisely the kind of day I will miss the most.

PS - I hope you all had a wonderful Solstice.  Huzzah to you, Holly King!  It's all you, from today on out!  I know we won't see the fruits of your labours for awhile, but on behalf of all Winter loving folk (all 1 of us!) WELCOME BACK!

PPS - The image at the top is from a wonderful Sandman story called The Heart of a Star, which was illustrated by Miguelanxo Prado.  It is a tale of sun gods, and of betrayal.  A good story to read on such a day.

Healing Voices ...

Yeah.  I know.  All I do is go to the same place, over and over.

Today's reason was to spend some time with the delightful Lisa B.  We both wanted to get together before I left, and this was literally the only day that would be possible, so after a rough night of sleep, and playing car tomfoolery with E, I found myself yet again on the boardwalk at Avon in the middle of the afternoon.

Lisa and I met up in Asbury Park a little after five.  She was in a bit of a dark space, which I suppose mirrored my own from when we talked on the phone the other day.  We both had a feeling that the music we make together would prove quite healing, so we sat down, just guitar, drum and voice, and began.

She started strumming the chords to Let It Be, which we'd never played before.  Her voice, always a soothing instrument to me, had a little something extra today.  We played through a couple more new pieces, Jesus on the Mainline and Modern English's I Melt With You, which was awesome.  So much potential in this partnership.

There is much we'd like to do when I get back, but that feels like a long time from now.  When we finished for today, after walking down to the water so she could let Oreo run around, there were hugs, and there were invitations to see where this sound we make will lead us.  I imagine, as always, the destination will be unexpected.

While all this was going on, E got sick, so rather than lingering with my book, I made my way towards home.  Arriving home around 930 to a house that once again had internet, we resumed the quest to finish season one of Glee before I leave, watching three episodes (17 - 19) which had us smiling and crying and loving all over again.

And now it's late.  And now to bed.

Relaxation and Respect ...

It was an uncomfortable morning around the house, for a host of reasons, and when E got home from the 'Seed, we were both really itching to do something.  Each of us thought the other wouldn't be in the mood to go back to Avon, having just been there on Wednesday, but happily we were both wrong.

The ride down was lovely, quiet in that way that allowed both of us to slough off our anxieties.  Once we hit Ocean Ave, there were people, of course, but it wasn't as crowded as either of us thought it would be.  Maybe the Hallmark holiday was keeping people away, not that I am complaining, mind you.

Before settling in, we drove over to the corner of E Street and Tenth Avenue in Belmar, where a spontaneous memorial to Mr. Clemons had been constructed.  As I said yesterday, even though I wasn't a huge fan, it was nice to take a minute and pay respect.  I think a lot of people were doing that today.

We were in our chairs a little before six, and the beach had almost totally emptied out.  For a long while, we just sat quietly, chatting here and there between the waves.  Then we read for a while (daaaamn, The Little Country is a wonderful book!) before E went swimming, pushing herself a bit past her safety limit!

For me, this was heaven.  Total and utter relaxation.  As the sun began to set, E went over to Kaya's Kitchen to get herself some dinner, while I stayed behind and sang some songs quietly to myself, which I love to do when I'm alone there.  (When The River Meets The Sea always makes an appearance ... )

E came back and ate her dinner as the sky changed from pink to purple to dark blue, while I took a few last pictures.  Then we took a walk up the boardwalk, listening to a slightly subpar band playing Don't Stop Believing at The Columns.  (The net is still not working at home, so no Glee tonight.  Phoooey!)

Once again, I did not want to leave.  I swear, if I'd had the means, I would've just gotten a room at the Inn and eased my way into my travels from there.  But since that was not possible, we said our goodbyes, stopped by The Stone Pony on our way through Asbury, stopped at the Windmill, and made our way home.

Only Time Will Tell ...

I'm writing this on my iPad, which is telling me that the browser I am using (Terra) doesn't support all of Blogger's functionality. I wonder what this will look like when I post it?

It was another slow day today, another calm before the storm day. I slept late. I did some household chore type things. I read The Little Country. Gentle, sure, but nothing special.

About halfway through the afternoon, almost by accident, I felt myself drop my mask and started to explore some old feelings, some old ways of being. In short, I felt like TL again.

To say this was a surprise is an understatement. Clearly, with my upcoming travels and the work I need to do, the Icarus! persona has not even begun to reach its full potential.

Even so, this felt like a strong reminder : YOU ARE MORE THAN WHAT PEOPLE SEE. SELL THIS DREAM, BUT DON'T GET LOST IN IT. YOU WILL BE WHOLE AGAIN ONE DAY.

E and I went out for one of our evening rides, and I continued to sit with these feelings. We talked, as we always do, about real things, as the sun set through the trees all around us.

I was sad to hear, towards the end of our evening, that Clarence Clemons died today. I was never a big fan of his sound, but the energy he brought to E Street, and the world, was potent. He will be missed.

Now I'm up here, in the dark again, listening to Steve Roach again, wondering if what happened at the 'Seed tonight will have negative ramifications for my work. Only time will tell.

Tomorrow promises to be more of the same. I'm not a fan of Hallmark holidys, for obvious reasons, but I'm hopeful that I'll be able to find a vibe, nonetheless. Again, only time will tell.

(Cue Geoff Downes' synth)

Heh. Good night.

An Earth Shattering Ka-Boom ...

Right after that last entry, there was an Earth shattering Ka-Boom (c'mon ... you know you want to do the voice ... ) and we lost power for close to six hours.  I was able to hold the space for a little while, and explore some of the dark corners that were presenting themselves, but after awhile, it got a little stuffy up here in The Womb, and I started to get hungry.  Since I couldn't cook anything, or even open the refrigerator, I did a completely unoriginal thing and spent the evening at Starbucks.

E was working the closing shift, so I threw my tech in the bag and went and got my favorite table right by the door and camped out.  I listened to music and chatted with E and her friends and continued my recent fetish of reading free Marvel digital comics (which is apparently an in-store promotion that Starbucks runs).  The power finally got turned back on around 830, though I stayed 'til the end of E's shift at 1030.  The nice thing about being a laptop / iPad kid is that there's often nothing I have to do at home that I can't do somewhere else.

Now it's 130 and there is this strange beeping sound coming from outside that I cannot place, and my emotions are all over the place after watching episodes 15 and 16 of Glee.  All of the stuff from this afternoon is still with me, questions of duality most of all, and I think I'm going to listen to a bit more music before I try to sleep.  Yeah.  That's a very good idea.

I Am Bigger On The Inside ...

A storm just blew in, bringing in mystery clouds, bringing in fission, splitting me into pieces, reducing me, each part whispering to me of secret things, of dualities.

I just learned about Grant Morrison's new book, a prose history of superheroes / biography / magickal treatise called Supergods, which is coming out while I am away.  I don't think I'm going to be able to wait until I get home to read it.  Luckily, it's up for pre-order on iBooks.

Speaking of reading, I've never read The Gormenghast books.  Quite a hole in my genre cred, I know.  I just stumbled upon this little poem of Peake's, which is making me really want to investigate.  Unfortunately, this one is not on iBooks, so it will have to wait a little while longer.  Anyway, here's the poem ...

The vastest things are those we may not learn.
We are not taught to die, nor to be born,
Nor how to burn
With love.
How pitiful is our enforced return
To those small things we are masters of.

Damn, it got dark in here.  Marvelous.
There's much to think about, and I often think better in the dark.