Rehearsal #2 By The Sea ...

After the merciful breaking of the weather yesterday, the blue sky and clean air returned with a vengeance today.  Fortunately for me, I got to spend most of my day near my paradise by the sea.

The Lisa & Icarus Project had its second rehearsal at Yoga Basin today, and not surprisingly, it built on the energy of our first session, and then deepened.  What a fascinating sound we make!

We reviewed last week's pieces, then played a few new ones, bringing us to nine overall, which should be perfect for the show.  A running order even began to reveal itself, which is always nice.

I think the thing I liked the most, though, is the banter and ease of communication between pieces.  Whether sharing poetry or telling family stories or geeking out over The Neverending Story, this is how friendship seeds are planted.

You can't force or manufacture this sort of thing, so it's a real blessing when it happens.  I hope very much that the great energy we are cultivating comes through in our performance.  I think it will.

After we wrapped up, I headed down to Avon for some much needed grounding.  Since Thursday night's meltdown, I've been running, keeping busy, trying to keep my mind off of the ouchie stuff.

Putting my chair down in Happy Cove, with those afore mentioned blue skies, I was finally able to stop running, to stop moving, as the healing energy of my threshold place washed over me.

It was so beautiful I couldn't even read.  (Though I did daydream about my Muse quite a bit.)  I just sat there and watched the waves and the birds and the kids playing near the jetty.

Several hours passed like minutes, and after a walk down to the pavilion and up Patriot Lane, I headed out.  E called from Spring Farm and I pulled over so we could talk about day one of her adventure.

As the sun set, I drove back up through all the sea towns, and stopped for dinner at The Windmill.  I continue to be amazed at how easy it is for me to walk through the world now, at how strong I feel.  Sometimes.

I felt bad getting home so late, as Bug and I were supposed to watch David Tennant's Hamlet, but when I am out and moving on days like this, it's hard to get me home.  Especially when I already felt like I was home.

Frog & Toad Are Friends ...

Feeling extraordinarily relaxed, after a lovely evening out with Bug, the kind of time we used to spend years ago, when we were young and maybe a bit freer but not altogether different than we are now.

We treated ourselves to an evening at Palisades Center.  We ate.  We went to the Mac store.  We went to the arcade and played racing games and shooting games and ski-ball and air hockey.  We lived.

Amidst the flashing lights and commerce and junk food, we talked about getting older, about half a life spent in each other's company.  You thought 2009 felt like a long time ago?  Try 1993 ...

Wrapping up at B&N, walking back to the car through the deserted mall, we knew we had just done something important, reconnected in a way that was long overdue.  Frog and Toad are Friends, indeed!

Much love must be sent to E, who took me for a walk around Packanack Lake even though she needed to leave for Spring Farm, and who right now is sleeping far from home.  Get ready for your big weekend, Pal-o.

Nothing I Haven't Said Before ...

'Twas another bad day.  Feeling lost and center-less.
A long shamanic session will do that to you.
Nothing to see here.  Nothing at all.

The Continuing Adventures of Threshold Jones ...

For the third Wednesday in a row, the mist was heavy at the sea.  I had hoped for blue skies, but this was much better, a beginning and ending intertwined.

I heard whispers in the wind, speaking to me of alchemy, and of staying a student even after (maybe especially after) I become a teacher.

After several days of this unpleasant and unwanted heat and humidity, the 20 degree drop was most welcome, as was the baptism at the edge of the jetty.  Brrrrr.

Dinner along the banks of Sylvan Lake was lovely, and the walk around it afterward straddled two worlds.  So wonderful, to keep discovering new corners of paradise.

May is immanent, and the crowds will be returning, and the deep quiet at the edge of the world will be coming to an end.  I imagine I will be quite different when it returns.

PS - As for the title of this entry, don't try to figure it out.  Only Karate Jones would understand ...

A Bad Day ...

By far the worst day, emotionally, for me in weeks.  Not sure what triggered it.  Just missing her terribly, and feeling lost with regards to this latest regeneration.  What place is there in the world for someone like me, who has made the choices I've made?

Winter feels so very far away.

An Anam Cara Birthday ...

Today was a day of movement, and a day of celebration.

Since I haven't been sleeping, it was easy to be up to take E to work for 7 so I could have Rose for the day.  After stopping back home and having breakfast with Bug (and lingering a bit too long on the computer) I headed back out to do some birthday shopping.

Stopping at the 'Bucks turned into a longer proposition, as I sat with E during her break and ended up telling The Icarus Story to Katherine, who continues to nod politely as the unique details of my life continue to trickle out.  What must my life look like from the outside ...

I made my way out to Micro Center, the "Big Choice" of computer stores (ten points for Gryffindor if you get that reference) for a laptop bag, and absolutely loved being able to get Bug's opinion right there on my iPad.  Occasionally it's fun being one of the cool kids.

Driving my usual road to Paramus, up 80 to Hackensack, picking up 17 over by National Wholesale, I had My Chem playing, feeling free, just enjoying moving.  I stopped for lunch at Paramus Park, then went to B&N for awhile and found the two books I was looking for.

Finding music was a bit more difficult, and I was reminded very unhappily about how much I miss Tower Records.  As it was, I ended up having to go to Best Buy, of all places, which made me feel all slimy inside.  Still, it was for a birthday, so exceptions must be made.

I picked E up from work, and we went to Willowbrook for an early prequel celebration, which we actually did on my birthday as well, if I remember correctly.  We had a little snack (she had the Bell, I had a pretzel) and made a space then went back to the house to wait for Bug.

Right before she was going to open presents, P called to spread birthday cheer, which was lovely.  It wasn't even my birthday, yet these are the sorts of days the absences hit hardest.  They talked for awhile, and it was such a positive thing for E.  Bravo!  Huzzah!

She seemed to really like the cards and presents, and after hugging and tenderness, we headed back out to Paramus to see the African Cats movie.  After last year's flick, our expectations were high and this exceeded them.  So amazing to step into such a different world!

When the movie was over, E was tired and wanted to call it an early night.  After listening to her new Lady Gaga disc on the ride home, we settled in and declared birthday number two of 2011 a success!  Such a privilege, Pal-o, to share yet another of these days with you.

Easter ...

Easter has never really had any draw for me, aside from a bit of chocolate.  Don't get me wrong, the Bunny is cute, but even so, if the need for more floppy ears in my life were to appear, I'd probably head straight to Beatrix Potter.  In my old life (well, two lives ago, now) Easter was one of those obligation days, where I would have to go to the ancestral home and endure all that went with that.  Even magickally speaking, Ostara represents the beginning of Spring, which for me means the end of winter, and you know how well that sits with me.  So yeah ... kind of a non starter.

I was feeling particularly bad this morning, as this particular Easter had been shaping up to be something different.  Before The Muse and I split up, she had offered to include me in her Easter observances.  After that night at Saint Patrick's over Christmas, we had had several talks about the stories of her tradition, and about her connection to those Old Gods, and she thought I would enjoy seeing them played out in their native setting.  Having no beef with actual Christians and their tales, I had been looking forward to it.  But like so much else these last two months ...

I put in four hours at the desk at the 'Seed, saved mercifully from my melancholy by Sister Sunshine, who thought her class was at 11 instead of 12, and who then sat and kept me company and talked about books and libraries and kirtan and Asbury Park and the like.  When 1215 rolled around and I counted in her class, I couldn't get out of there fast enough.  Luckily E was waiting outside in the car, after her own morning working at the 'Bucks, and we proceeded to revisit an old memory, and in doing so, told another chapter in our developing Anam Cara story.

It was at the Eagle Rock Diner two Easters ago that E told me that Jyoti had died.  When I think about who we were that day, and who we were with, and all that has happened since, I can't believe it was only two years ago.  So much living.  So much growing.  I had never been to Avon.  I had zero personal connection to Starseed.  I didn't know The Muse or That Dear Boy and barely knew Nancy.  My first regeneration was not even a fully formed thought, and the thought that there could ever be a second one would be heresy.  How could 2009 feel so far away?

Eagle Rock 2011 started out with melancholy, as is my way, as I lamented those who were gone from my life, who I miss every single day.  Eventually, though, E and I found a groove, and made one of those Temporary Autonomous Zones that used to be such a hallmark of my salons.  We started talking about the realest of things, going to deep places and understanding subtleties and nuances that might elude us on a regular day.  We reflected on our changed relationship, and shared how happy we both are with it.  We planted seeds, and made promises, and it was good.

We laughed until we cried when she started drawing on the placemat.  (An old chestnut she hasn't indulged in a long while.)  We were in something, and we knew it as it was happening, and we didn't want to walk away from it.  But like Elmo at Christmas, you can't have these things every day, all the time.  So we closed the circle and made our way back to Montclair, so I could pick up the other car, and so she could head down to Monmouth County.  I went home, and the rest of the day was quiet, and I had all the time in the world to reflect on what I've gained and lost.

Flame Shift #35 ...

... was a dud.

Sorry, but it's true.

#34 was a dud too, so much so that I just realized I never wrote about it here.  The whole sitting in one place for 24 hours and doing devotional work thing obviously is a big weakness for me right now.  Yet I persist.  It's what I do.

The funny thing is that I found a groove about an hour after the Shift ended.  The last few hours have actually had a fair bit of inspiration embedded within them, learning about Sir Francis Bacon and the Rosicrucians, listening to Simone play Bach, etc.

I am SO not punk rock.
Except when I am.

Embrace contradictions.

Good Music, Marvelous Company ...

I'm a little over four hours into Flame Shift #35, and I have a song running through my head and a spring in my step.  This afternoon, after several months of attempts and cancellations and whatnot, I finally met up with Lisa Brodrick to see if we could make some kirtan magick.

Oh my.  Did we ever ...

I got to Yoga Basin a little late, closer to 130, and when Reggie saw the new me, she assured me that we would talk "when you guys are finished".  She then introduced me to Lisa, who seemed quiet but lovely, and a few other people who were all sitting and having tea.

They invited me to sit with them, and I started telling stories, as I often do, while nursing a Moroccan mint with agave concoction.  We talked about Bhagavan Das, and bits of my drumming and musical history leaked into the tale, as they often do.  'Twas a very nice beginning.

Lisa and I made our way into the main studio space and started talking as we set up.  Once we played our first tune, and slowly relaxed into the sound we were making, we began opening up and started getting into real things : yoga and shamanism and magick and the like.

Dear god, her voice was beautiful, achingly so, and the sound of it put me in a real state.  What an amazing way to meet someone for the first time, to hear the true sound that they make!  I do hope that my drumming wasn't quite as revealing, though, considering the state of my life & heart.

We played three or four tunes, continuing to talk and share between takes, our confidence growing with each note.  By the time we got to our last tune for the afternoon, which came from the Hawaiian kahuna tradition, we were really starting to feel each other's flow.

Something clicked during this last piece, though, something amazing.  The voice and the guitar and the drum understood each other, as if they had made some sort of agreement.  When it was over, ten or so minutes later, we both looked at each other and knew.

For lack of a better phrase, we had just become a "band".

Reggie had been listening the whole time, of course, and was quite pleased that her instinct of bringing us together was spot on.  There were hugs and kisses all 'round as we packed up and made plans for next week's rehearsal.  The gig is Saturday May 7th, which I am now looking very forward to.

After Lisa left, Reggie invited me back into the studio so she could ask all of the questions that everyone asks these days.  We then proceeded to have one of those wonderful discussions that I've had so many times this last 18 months or so, when an acquaintance becomes a friend.

Normally Yoga Basin is a thriving, busy place, and as ringmaster, Reggie's mind is usually in three places at once.  This was the first time I've really gotten to stretch out with her, and we talked about everything : my transition, Anam Cara, the Muse, my shamanic work, etc ...

She got it, all of it, on that level that I always hope for but don't always get.  She was very adamant that I seemed healthier and more powerful, both physically and energetically, and that I need to own the fact that I have a real opportunity to shine now, however the story eventually ends up.

As I was leaving, she told me I was adorable and gifted me with a lovely blue and grey alpaca scarf.  Walking back to the car, the bone grey sky in stark contrast to how light I was feeling, I thanked The Lady for another opportunity to connect with new people in a new space.

It goes without saying that it is not possible for me to be that close to Avon without stopping for a visit.  Driving the ten minutes or so up the road, it felt, more than it ever has, that I lived there.  Turning onto Sylvania, I had that future sensation I get sometimes.  It was wondrous.

I parked Rose and did my usual rounds, out to Happy Cove and up onto the jetty, then south along the shoreline to the pavilion and back up the boardwalk.  Still light on my feet from the good music and marvelous company, I didn't want to leave.  Ohhhhh, how I didn't want to leave.

I did have a Flame Shift to get to, though, so I said my goodbyes and drove up Ocean Ave, through the usual towns, the usual daydreams.  I stopped at Cake Bake & Roll for a cookie and cupcake, and drove through Pier Village while thinking about a recurring dream I've been having, before giving thanks one more time and heading home.

Well, my other home, anyway ...

Going Slow ...

It would seem that saying yes to everything does have one small price to pay.  I woke up this morning with a slight cold, achy, dizzy, a little stuffed up.  Luckily, during a nice chat with Amy this morning, she offered to cover the desk tonight, since she was set to teach both classes anyway.  This took a weight off the day, which I very much needed.

Fighting off a fair bit of anxiety, I was able to go slow and rest and get some things done.  From watching Game of Thrones to doing research for my pilgrimage, from taking a quick trip out for meds to going with E over to our old stream around the corner (even slightly ill, sitting still is not for me), the day felt open, gentle, and eventually the anxiety faded.

Back down to the sea tomorrow, and a long awaited rehearsal ...

Saying Yes To Everything ...

When you see mist, step into it.  When you see a path you've never walked before, past 100 year old houses, park the car and get on with it.  When you see a lighthouse you've never been inside before, climb it.  Vigorously.  When you meet a possible new shamanic ally and he asks you what your name is, say it proudly.  (Icarus seems to have acquired an exclamation point when I write it.  Icarus!  Yeah ... )  When the opportunity arises to walk and walk and walk, for miles and miles and miles, along the shoreline, over a big bridge, up and over exit ramps that were not meant for pedestrians, don't ask how you're going to get back to the car.  When the sky turns red and you think you can't bear the beauty of it, keep looking.  Don't turn away.  And if you can, remember how you felt, so you can tell the people in your life, especially those not physically present, what it was like to say yes to everything, at least for one day.

On The Move, Out In The World ...

After only sleeping four hours, I was up at eight, easing into the day.  By eleven, it was time to leave for my doctor appointment, driving the nice back roads over hill and dale and down into the swamp.  I love to daydream on that ride.

My time with Doctor Lisa was lovely as always.  Just as with Jason last week, she was incredibly supportive of the decisions I have made.  She understood why I cut my hair, why I've paused, why the Icarus identity is very important.

I am very fortunate that I can tell this woman anything.  Because of her own woo woo background, I was able to relate this crossroads to my shamanic work and really be heard.  I was even able to talk about The Muse, and the shifts in my relationships.  Her insights were very helpful.

I left feeling even stronger in my convictions that I am doing the right thing.  She agrees I am paying a high price, but also agrees it is a necessary one.  Neither of us knows how the story will unwind, but just like Jason, she advised me not to be in too much of a rush to find out.

Instead of going right home, E and I drove North and had a lovely time at Paramus Park, yet another place I had not been in eighteen months.  (Malls were places I avoided at all costs.)  I am not ashamed to admit how much I am loving being out in the world again.

After stopping home for a few minutes, I was back out to the 'Seed for my evening desk shift.  Tuesdays continue to be like a tomb there, with only three students over two classes.  I sure hope we make it Autumn, for all the seeds I'm planting to ripen.

I Hid From The World Today ...

I just re-read that last entry, and part of me feels a little bad for posting it.  It was very raw, and very honest, and I'm not sure if maybe it should have gone in a private journal, if I actually kept a private journal, that is.  In fact, I almost erased it, and thought I might put something a bit less incendiary up.  The more I thought about it, though, I came to understand that if I did that, I might as well erase the whole damn blog.  This is who I am right now, and though I may never read these words again, and though I feel bad inflicting my darkness on those who kindly read these messages in a virtual bottle, I think I HAVE to get it all down fresh, without fear.

I'm not ashamed to say that I hid from the world today.  I slept late.  I stayed in my pajamas 'til noon.  I didn't take Amy's call congratulating me for last night.  I watched The Doctor and continued to understand him on a subterranean level.  E & I walked around Packanack Lake (unquestionably the highlight of the day).  I got further into the iPad, which continues to feel like a game changer.  I made grilled cheese for dinner, and continued to be amazed at the 1,001 places where there are little holes in my life.  (She adored my grilled cheese sandwiches.)  I think I may go read for a bit, and then declare another day over.  Mercifully.

I Understand The Darkness ...

The very first words on the inside flap of Sandra Ingerman's Awakening To The Spirit World, the first book we are assigning for the Starseed Institute for Shamanic Studies are The word shaman means "the one who sees in the dark."  Indeed, living in the dark as I do, I find I am able to see.  Quite well, in fact.  I suppose that means I am not a complete hypocrite for accepting a leadership role in our program.  Nevertheless, days like today make me question what right I have to do this work, to present myself as someone who knows something.  I am a hot mess, and it amazes me that no one can see it.

I do my work.  I show up.  I smile.  Magick is easy for me, so I push my buttons and tell my self effacing jokes and play my role.  But I don't enjoy myself anymore.  Shamanism is supposed to be a lonely art, but I am tired of being lonely.  Yes, the work is important, of course, but as I've gotten older, I've found that it is the people you love, the people you do the work with, that matter more than anything.  For two very different reasons, I am two down in that category in just the last few months, and at this point, I'll be surprised if Jason lasts the first year of the Institute before beginning his retirement.

I have responsibilities, and I will meet them.  But it would be nice to love what I do, to find the joy I once had, when we were all there making a difference together, then having salons and talking about it all.  I remember after the last Journey, back in January, texting back and forth with my Muse, four or five times at least, about how amazed she was that her drumming could play even a small part in people having such transformative experiences.  I was so proud of her, how she dove into the work head first, with such wonder and awe.  Having her there next to me made me feel like I could move heaven and earth.

Tonight, once again, there was only one chair behind my altarspace.  I tried to recreate the sound and feeling of our two frame drums dancing together, and failed miserably.  Jason and I talked about it gently after the event.  I say gently because he knows how lost I am, and wants to guide me to do my best but knows how fragile I am right now.  All this power I have ... all this ability ... I flew into the sun and didn't die, for fuck's sake!  And yet, the gaping holes in the places where she used to live (and where he used to live, for that matter) are resistant to my power, my ability.

I am stronger than ever.  I am being beaten to shit and I refuse to go down.  But what good is all of that if you have to lock bits of yourself away, if you can only help people from afar because letting them too close hurts too much?  Whether it is temporary or permanent, I am Icarus now, and I understand the darkness.  I guess this'll make me a hell of a shaman one day, but the price is high.  I can't unsee what I've seen, and I am getting ready to lead a bunch of eager seekers down this road.  Do I tell them they'll have to endure loss, of friends and lovers and maybe their very sense of self?  How can I?

I do wish someone had told me, though.

Dipping My Toe Into The Future ...

It's raining very hard on my roof, up here in The Womb.  It's never been a soothing sound to me, nor the thunder, nor the lightning with its bright flashes of Fire in the sky.  But I've never wanted control over the weather.  Too much responsibility for a mad improviser like me.

It was a full day, dipping my toe into the future, yet trying not think about tomorrow.  I visited E's Starbucks for the first time, incognito as Icarus of course, and really liked the vibe.  Katherine may come to the Shamanic Journey, which will be nice if it happens.

My dear N gifted me this afternoon with several profound comments elsewhere on this blog, which meant the world to me.  She also threw a card for me, from Uncle Al's Thoth Deck, which has me thinking of the crossroads I find myself living in a whole new way.

After leaving it in the box for two days, I finally dove into the world of my iPad today.  What an amazing tool, tailor made for my shamanic and magickal work!  It will take some time before I can really dance with the interface, but it will come, and it will be worth it.

Despite this dreadful weather, I ran out to B&N this evening, specifically to pick up a copy of Tron Legacy, which we then watched.  Just as the first time I saw it in the theater over the winter, I was deeply inspired by the resonance (and implications) relating to what I am developing.

Tomorrow is going to be a VERY long day.  Fourteen hours at the 'Seed, with only a short break for a meal.  It would all be so much more palatable if That Dear Boy and my Muse were there.  As it stands, I will just have to try and direct all this power I am amassing towards some positive end.

"Yearning and deep longing, the feeling that accompanies the sense of separation, is not quite Wish.  Yearning goes one way - towards what we somehow feel we have lost. or we're missing, or that isn't there.  Wish goes two ways.  Something like, Wish sometimes finds itself being wished back."

- Robert Fripp

An Acute Friday ...

It was a VERY long, VERY difficult day today.  Why is the ache so acute some days?  Why do I keep having to sit with it?  Dear god, I know becoming a shaman is supposed to be hard, but FUCKING OW already!!!  I mean, the iPad is STILL in the box!!!

Thank goodness for E, who stepped up and took me to Packanack Lake and to Corrado's and made an Anam Cara space.  Our relationship is so different now, and I don't think anyone really gets it, to be honest, but that's alright.  We know we're on the right road.

My stomach is rumbling at me, payment for the rather unhealthy Nathan's dogs I boiled for dinner tonight.  There's so much I should do, but I am getting tired, and the couch is looking mighty inviting.  I think I'll just watch Smallville and call it a day.

It Was An Intense Day ...

My session with Jason went to the heart of my recent changes, and gave me the strongest indication yet that I have done the right thing, becoming Icarus.  He likened this latest chapter in my transformation to when he and Jyoti took on spiritual names and became "Jason & Jyoti".  He reiterated, as he did two weeks ago, that I should be in no rush to go back to what I was doing, to who I was becoming, and that instead I need to take advantage of the increase in power I have been feeling and the new way that people are seeing me.  When I told him I intended to do so, but that I felt like I've given up a lot to get here, he told me, quite forcefully, that becoming Icarus is part of my work, and that the path I had been on took me as far as it could, and that I should not look back.  Scary, scary stuff.  Thank The Lady I have a teacher like Jason that I can really go deep with.

When we wrapped up around 530, I went to the 'Seed and did some karma kleaning with Sister Sunshine.  We had our usual fun time and witty banter (and now she wants to go to Columcille) and got the chandra and office and halls nice and spiffy.  I was actually feeling quite strong when I bumped into The Muse, and thus engaged her in talking for a minute or two, which was as frustrating as it was interesting.  With our next circle, a Shamanic Journey, coming up on Sunday, it's hard not to think about how much I miss her presence (and her drumming) in that space.  Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to get her to come back for the May Healing Circle, before my three month hiatus.  I know you're thinking I should move on, Gentle Reader, but it just doesn't feel right to do so, to let go of that space that we created.  Something is holding me back.  I need to see that through.

Just as I was shutting down the office, I got into a long discussion with Meredith, who runs the holistic lighting business down the hall (in our old office space, actually).  We've become fast friends these last few months, since around Bhagavan Das I think, and she was just as surprised at my new appearance as everyone else.  Since she understands the woo woo, we talked about what I was doing in terms of the work of the South and West, and she was a great sounding board.  With a near empty fridge, I had to stop at the A&P on the way home, and bought myself some rather unhealthy things.  (That's what you get for going to store after not eating for close to nine hours!)  Dinner was tasty, around 1030pm, and then I told E and J the stories of the day.  After all of this, I did not even have the energy to unwrap my new iPad, which arrived today.  Must get to that soon.

Another Day In The Mist ...

Yesterday was not worth writing about, so rather than boring you with a third straight lackluster entry (it would've been about cleaning the bedroom, another long talk with Amy and a SUPER quiet night at the 'Seed) I took the day off.

Today was Wednesday.  It started off slowly, negatively, and didn't really get going 'til mid afternoon, but the mist was everywhere and Rose (our Prius) pretty much drives herself at this point, until she is parked on Ocean Avenue.

Stopping at Sandy Hook on the way down (since they didn't bother having anyone in the toll gate on such a grey day) was a nice treat, as the Bay and the Lighthouse and Officer's Row were all completely consumed by the cloud wall.  It was amazing how bad the visibility was.

Even though it wasn't raining hard, there must have been some pretty serious storms further out to sea, as the water coming in over the jetty at Happy Cover was far beyond the usual high tide.  I got a bit daring, trying to get that second shot above, and paid for it by getting submerged up to my calf.

Me being me, the cold didn't bother me, but squishing around for the rest of the day did get a bit tiresome.  Walking along the shoreline as it started to get dark, the mist began to fade and the sky got really interesting.  I'm really fond of the light and shadow in pics five through seven.

Being at Avon every week, having it become home, means that I come as I am, and sometimes just being there doesn't make it all better.  The loneliness and melancholy don't go away.  If anything, I often think about how much I want to share it all with her.

But however I feel, whoever I am, it is a place of great power and possibility, and all I can do is have faith in the meta-sigil I cast back at the Winter Solstice, in the fact that everything I've seen in my more-than-dreams can and will come to pass.

This Way Lies Madness (Is That A Bad Thing?) ...

'Tis almost one in the morning, and yet it is stubbornly still a sticky and unpleasant seventy degrees.  I know this is supposed to be a one day aberration, but I would have thought it might be cooler by now.

Today was another very slow day.  Other than talking to Amy this afternoon (about a few unsettling things) and watching the last three episodes of Enterprise this evening, I mostly kept to myself.

For some reason, far above and beyond the shared name, I keep being drawn back to that Icarus Project website I mentioned a few entries ago.  I'm not ready to define it, but there is a deep resonance.

The length of time between yawns is decreasing.  Time to be released, then.

Back On The Slow Path ...

Somehow, I am still awake.  I'm honestly not sure how.

After that last entry, I wasn't able to get to sleep until after 4am, and so went to the 'Seed on roughly 2 & 1/2 hours of sleep.  My shift was shorter today, mercifully, as SSYTT meant there was no 2pm class, so I was able to leave as soon as the noon class was settled.

Relations with my Muse seemed to take a teeny tiny step in a positive direction today, as she actually came down to the office, and we spoke a few sentences, instead of the recent monosyllabic grunts.  She even smiled as she was leaving.  It's nothing to get excited about, really, but ...

By the time I got home around 1pm, it was all I could do to stay awake through lunch, before I crashed utterly up here on the couch for a few hours.  I can honestly say that since getting up around 5, I have not done a blessed thing worth writing about.

It's been hard coming back to earth today.  In telling bits of the story of last night, both to E and J and snippets of it to a few people at work this morning, I was able to remember what an altered space we created, and being back on the slow path was very challenging.

Ahhhh ... there we go.  I'm starting to get blinky.  To the couch, then!