A New Focus on the Work of the West ...

The first time I went around the shamanic medicine wheel, during my first year of study and practice, the key word in the West was discernment.  Every move I made, every person I shared my life and story with, was filtered through this very important (though underused) concept.  As everything shifted under my feet, this was very, very useful.

Seventeen months in, and I'm back in the West, only now the key word is invisibility.  With the way my life had been heading, I didn't think this would be a concept I would be immersing myself in.  I was on a track towards a very public life.  I was going to live large, under the lights, and who knows ... I may yet.  But not now.  Certainly not now.

I had been making myself sick over my appointment with Jason (which was postponed from Thursday) as I just didn't know how he would take the news of my pause.  Truth be told, when he answered the door and saw my changed appearance, he was more than a little surprised.  As we started talking, though, it was my turn to be surprised.

He was adamant that I have not failed, that I have nothing to be ashamed of.  Though I mentioned it in passing in my last entry, he was the one who pointed out the importance of exploring invisibility when one is on the shamanic path.  If I think about it, I suppose this is related to our Western axiom of To Know, To Dare, To Will, To Be Silent.

As much as I had been preparing myself for a more razzle dazzle, rock and roll existence, there is no denying the potency of metaphorically buzzing in, setting things on Fire and disappearing before anyone realizes you are there.  Before, all eyes were on me, for good and ill.  Now, no eyes are on me, and I need to make the most of that while I can.

He cautioned me to not be in a rush to end this important period in my life, my Icarus period.  When I told him I was thinking at least nine months to a year, he was very pleased.  This will give me time to continue to recover, to depart for my wanderings and return, and kick off the new Institute in the Fall, all before having to face the scrutiny again.

It's still very difficult, looking in the mirror, or going to the library and knowing that no one sees who I really am anymore.  But then I remind myself, very few people saw it before anyway, and now, there is this unexpected benefit, this unexpected quiet.  I never knew how much I was relying on my shields to keep me safe, until I didn't need them anymore.  

I am paying a very high price to return to the work of the West, just as I am paying a high price being involved with shamanism in general.  But I am a lifer, that much is clear, and maybe, just maybe, there is something about what I am doing that will bring my life back to where I thought it was going to go.  Maybe, just maybe, she'll be there when I arrive.