Oh Fuck, What Am I About To Do ...

It's after 1am, and E and I are sitting at the kitchen table, on dueling computers, trying to get my housing situation settled for the first few days in England.  She just stumbled upon a great deal for a Holiday Inn Express by Heathrow, which will give me a nice place to recover from the jetlag and acclimate before really digging into the heart of this pilgrimage.

Today was a much more stressful day, as the details and fears seemed to overwhelm the excitement for awhile.  Being on Shift on a Wednesday is always tough.  Being on Shift on a Wednesday the day before leaving for nine weeks (which means missing nine Wednesdays) is even tougher.  There were some bright spots, though.  Bright spots indeed.

E and I ran out for the stragglers from yesterday, and I got comfy shoes and pajamas and a few water bottles and dangling tech issues notwithstanding, I am ready.  The bright spot,  of course, has nothing to do with any of these purchases, but everything to do with us finding that Wednesday space one more time.  Dear god, this is going to be hard.

We bought a copy of Deathly Hallows at Target, and went home around 9 to have one more family evening together (since Glee is finished).  I loved it even more the second time, though some aspects of it were a little hard to engage with.  Especially the loneliness.  But nevertheless, it was a perfect end to the day, and a nice way to wrap up our last night together for awhile.

Honestly, this is all a little unreal.
Tomorrow night's entry will most likely be written from the plane.

Say a little prayer for me, alright everyone?


Singing With The Birds on Flame Shift #38 ...

The birds are singing.

I didn't realize it was getting on towards five am until the birds started singing.  Nature's alarm clock, that lot!  Heh heh.

I am a little over eight hours into Flame Shift #38, my last up here in The Womb for awhile.  I know that one of the next few will actually be in Kildare, which is kind of a mindfuck.  I wonder where the other ones will end up being?

Thus far, this Shift has been all about grounding, about connecting, about setting things in order so I can be free to fly.  Whether it was cleaning and organizing books and comics, or even watching the last three episodes of season one of Glee (OMG, I loooooove those kids!) I feel like I put some important things to bed.

The rest of the day was no less important or lovely.  E and I had a wonderfully connective morning, strengthening our bond at exactly the right time.  I went to the salon in the early afternoon and spent time with (and got pampered by) my dear Faith and Ali.  So many lovely people I am surrounded by.  So many to miss.

The rest of the day was errands errands errands.  So much infrastructure, so many tiny moving pieces, to be away from home for so long.  I'm still not done.  I need shoes.  I need to exchange a shirt.  My tech / 3G situation is still totally up in the air, but I have a little more time.  A little.

Such a nice day with my dear loved ones.  Of course, this is precisely the kind of day I will miss the most.

PS - I hope you all had a wonderful Solstice.  Huzzah to you, Holly King!  It's all you, from today on out!  I know we won't see the fruits of your labours for awhile, but on behalf of all Winter loving folk (all 1 of us!) WELCOME BACK!

PPS - The image at the top is from a wonderful Sandman story called The Heart of a Star, which was illustrated by Miguelanxo Prado.  It is a tale of sun gods, and of betrayal.  A good story to read on such a day.


Healing Voices ...

Yeah.  I know.  All I do is go to the same place, over and over.

Today's reason was to spend some time with the delightful Lisa B.  We both wanted to get together before I left, and this was literally the only day that would be possible, so after a rough night of sleep, and playing car tomfoolery with E, I found myself yet again on the boardwalk at Avon in the middle of the afternoon.

Lisa and I met up in Asbury Park a little after five.  She was in a bit of a dark space, which I suppose mirrored my own from when we talked on the phone the other day.  We both had a feeling that the music we make together would prove quite healing, so we sat down, just guitar, drum and voice, and began.

She started strumming the chords to Let It Be, which we'd never played before.  Her voice, always a soothing instrument to me, had a little something extra today.  We played through a couple more new pieces, Jesus on the Mainline and Modern English's I Melt With You, which was awesome.  So much potential in this partnership.

There is much we'd like to do when I get back, but that feels like a long time from now.  When we finished for today, after walking down to the water so she could let Oreo run around, there were hugs, and there were invitations to see where this sound we make will lead us.  I imagine, as always, the destination will be unexpected.

While all this was going on, E got sick, so rather than lingering with my book, I made my way towards home.  Arriving home around 930 to a house that once again had internet, we resumed the quest to finish season one of Glee before I leave, watching three episodes (17 - 19) which had us smiling and crying and loving all over again.

And now it's late.  And now to bed.


Relaxation and Respect ...

It was an uncomfortable morning around the house, for a host of reasons, and when E got home from the 'Seed, we were both really itching to do something.  Each of us thought the other wouldn't be in the mood to go back to Avon, having just been there on Wednesday, but happily we were both wrong.

The ride down was lovely, quiet in that way that allowed both of us to slough off our anxieties.  Once we hit Ocean Ave, there were people, of course, but it wasn't as crowded as either of us thought it would be.  Maybe the Hallmark holiday was keeping people away, not that I am complaining, mind you.

Before settling in, we drove over to the corner of E Street and Tenth Avenue in Belmar, where a spontaneous memorial to Mr. Clemons had been constructed.  As I said yesterday, even though I wasn't a huge fan, it was nice to take a minute and pay respect.  I think a lot of people were doing that today.

We were in our chairs a little before six, and the beach had almost totally emptied out.  For a long while, we just sat quietly, chatting here and there between the waves.  Then we read for a while (daaaamn, The Little Country is a wonderful book!) before E went swimming, pushing herself a bit past her safety limit!

For me, this was heaven.  Total and utter relaxation.  As the sun began to set, E went over to Kaya's Kitchen to get herself some dinner, while I stayed behind and sang some songs quietly to myself, which I love to do when I'm alone there.  (When The River Meets The Sea always makes an appearance ... )

E came back and ate her dinner as the sky changed from pink to purple to dark blue, while I took a few last pictures.  Then we took a walk up the boardwalk, listening to a slightly subpar band playing Don't Stop Believing at The Columns.  (The net is still not working at home, so no Glee tonight.  Phoooey!)

Once again, I did not want to leave.  I swear, if I'd had the means, I would've just gotten a room at the Inn and eased my way into my travels from there.  But since that was not possible, we said our goodbyes, stopped by The Stone Pony on our way through Asbury, stopped at the Windmill, and made our way home.


Only Time Will Tell ...

I'm writing this on my iPad, which is telling me that the browser I am using (Terra) doesn't support all of Blogger's functionality. I wonder what this will look like when I post it?

It was another slow day today, another calm before the storm day. I slept late. I did some household chore type things. I read The Little Country. Gentle, sure, but nothing special.

About halfway through the afternoon, almost by accident, I felt myself drop my mask and started to explore some old feelings, some old ways of being. In short, I felt like TL again.

To say this was a surprise is an understatement. Clearly, with my upcoming travels and the work I need to do, the Icarus! persona has not even begun to reach its full potential.


E and I went out for one of our evening rides, and I continued to sit with these feelings. We talked, as we always do, about real things, as the sun set through the trees all around us.

I was sad to hear, towards the end of our evening, that Clarence Clemons died today. I was never a big fan of his sound, but the energy he brought to E Street, and the world, was potent. He will be missed.

Now I'm up here, in the dark again, listening to Steve Roach again, wondering if what happened at the 'Seed tonight will have negative ramifications for my work. Only time will tell.

Tomorrow promises to be more of the same. I'm not a fan of Hallmark holidys, for obvious reasons, but I'm hopeful that I'll be able to find a vibe, nonetheless. Again, only time will tell.

(Cue Geoff Downes' synth)

Heh. Good night.


An Earth Shattering Ka-Boom ...

Right after that last entry, there was an Earth shattering Ka-Boom (c'mon ... you know you want to do the voice ... ) and we lost power for close to six hours.  I was able to hold the space for a little while, and explore some of the dark corners that were presenting themselves, but after awhile, it got a little stuffy up here in The Womb, and I started to get hungry.  Since I couldn't cook anything, or even open the refrigerator, I did a completely unoriginal thing and spent the evening at Starbucks.

E was working the closing shift, so I threw my tech in the bag and went and got my favorite table right by the door and camped out.  I listened to music and chatted with E and her friends and continued my recent fetish of reading free Marvel digital comics (which is apparently an in-store promotion that Starbucks runs).  The power finally got turned back on around 830, though I stayed 'til the end of E's shift at 1030.  The nice thing about being a laptop / iPad kid is that there's often nothing I have to do at home that I can't do somewhere else.

Now it's 130 and there is this strange beeping sound coming from outside that I cannot place, and my emotions are all over the place after watching episodes 15 and 16 of Glee.  All of the stuff from this afternoon is still with me, questions of duality most of all, and I think I'm going to listen to a bit more music before I try to sleep.  Yeah.  That's a very good idea.


I Am Bigger On The Inside ...

A storm just blew in, bringing in mystery clouds, bringing in fission, splitting me into pieces, reducing me, each part whispering to me of secret things, of dualities.

I just learned about Grant Morrison's new book, a prose history of superheroes / biography / magickal treatise called Supergods, which is coming out while I am away.  I don't think I'm going to be able to wait until I get home to read it.  Luckily, it's up for pre-order on iBooks.

Speaking of reading, I've never read The Gormenghast books.  Quite a hole in my genre cred, I know.  I just stumbled upon this little poem of Peake's, which is making me really want to investigate.  Unfortunately, this one is not on iBooks, so it will have to wait a little while longer.  Anyway, here's the poem ...

The vastest things are those we may not learn.
We are not taught to die, nor to be born,
Nor how to burn
With love.
How pitiful is our enforced return
To those small things we are masters of.

Damn, it got dark in here.  Marvelous.
There's much to think about, and I often think better in the dark.


There Must Always Be Chocolate Cake ...

It was a quiet day, a lonely day, a day of letting go.  I continued to deal with my disappointment over the cancellation of my gig with Bhagavan Das which was supposed to be this coming Sunday.  I continued to process that I've walked through the doors of the 'Seed for the last time.  Who knows if it will even be there when I get back?  These are the types of chances I am taking, going away for so long.

After an obscene amount of phone tag over the last few days, I finally connect with dear Lisa and we had a lovely chat.  I felt a little bad sharing some of my disappointment and negativity with her, as I am usually the relentlessly positive Public Icarus! when I am around her, but I think the mark of a good friendship is when you start to feel comfortable enough dropping your guard here and there.  We're going to see each other on Monday night, which I am looking forward to.

The day was redeemed by the gathering this evening of the PBT, that sublime group of woo woo folk, solitaries all, who come together every month to form the most badass magickal thinktank (NOT a coven!) this side of ... well, I've never actually experienced anything quite like the PBT!  Different traditions, different paths, different experiences, but always that unity in our diversity.  We laugh.  We talk about real things.  We eat chocolate cake.  (There must ALWAYS be chocolate cake!)  As always, we missed our fifth member, but as always, I held the space for him, until he returns to the table one day.

After being up 'til after 4 last night, I think I will head to bed.
Maybe a bit more Charles de Lint, though ...


One More Day At My Threshold Place ...

It's starting to hit me, like a ton of rocks, that a week from tomorrow I am leaving for London, first stop on this two month mad wander into the unknown.  I am under prepared, unsure whether I am exhilarated or terrified, yet I am doing it anyway.  Tell me again, why did I sign up for this shamanism thing???

Of course, going away, even for something as potentially wonderful and life changing as this, means there is a lot to leave behind.  Some things, of course, I can't be away from fast enough.  Others, like my my loved ones and the beautiful, magickal places that nourish me, are going to be harder to walk away from.  A lot harder.

It's been such a blessing, truly falling in love with the sea for the first time in my life this last year or so.  It's also been something of a challenge, with all of the stereotypes of what it means to be into The Jersey Shore, to explain how this landscape, and one town in particular, have shaped me so deeply.

All of these thoughts were rumbling around in me on this last big adventure to my beloved Avon By The Sea.  Driving out to the Hook to see the old houses of Fort Hancock, then up to the Twin Lights to look out at The City in the distance, it was impossible not to think of who I was when I first saw those places.

Arriving at Avon itself, I tried to be present in the moment, but admit I was also trying to take everything in, as if inhaling everything my senses could handle would make me somehow miss it less when the inevitable homesickness hits.  A folly, of course, but then, I am the Zero Card.  Yep.  That's me.

As evening began to settle in, as people began to clear out and the sky became richer and streaked with purple, I was reminded of the countless hours of solitude here in the middle of Winter, of the countless sigils I cast in the sand, of promises I made and long running storylines that I hope will have happy endings one day.

I didn't want to leave.  I never want to leave.  But that's how it works, on the micro and macro levels.  I have to go away, far from everything I know, so I can learn about myself, and about the mask I wear, so I can heal my broken heart, so I can be of use, to my loved ones, and to the people who trust me magickally and shamanically, who treat me as if I actually know what I'm doing.

Can I do this?  Really?  I honestly don't know.  But on hard days, when I'm ready to yell at the wind and stamp around on the moors waving my fist at the sky, I'll remember this last day at my threshold place, reading Charles de Lint while my Anam Cara frolicked in the sand, eating dinner atop the big windmill in Long Branch, imagining who I'll be when I return.


Another Lovely Evening In The City ...

Ow ow ow.  My whole body hurts, but in a good way.  Let me explain.

As the countdown to my departure is about to head into the single digits, I am making a point of connecting with my dear ones, to ground and center in their love and support and good energy before casting myself into the unknown.  Since Julia and Chris are themselves leaving for Northern California tomorrow, tonight was our only chance to see each other until I get back, whenever that will be.

Since I imagine I will be spending a fair amount of time either taking trains or walking while I'm away, I thought I would practice tonight, taking the train into Penn and then walking all the way up to Papaya King on 86th and 3rd.  (That's 54 blocks North and 4 avenues East, for those not familiar with New York.)  It was a beautiful evening for a walk, filled as I was with wanderlust.

I retraced a lot of the steps that we took back at Christmas, when E and J and The Muse and I had that magickal night in the snow.  Herald Square.  Times Square.  Rockefeller Plaza.  I felt like I could see backwards in time, to the places where we all made magick that night.  Rather than get sad, I felt like I was honouring who we were then, and said a prayer that we may find our way back to that space, and to each other, one day.

Walking up Fifth, along The Park, past The Frick and my beloved Metropolitan, I began to realize that my shoes are not really meant to be walking shoes.  If they can't handle a couple of miles of polite, paved  City walking, they are not going to get it done on the moors of the West Country.  I'll need to do something about that this week.  (Along with a bunch of other little preparations.)

I got to Papaya King around 645, and Julia and Chris were there waiting for me.  After big hugs and smiles, we got our hot dogs and stood at the famous counter and indulged.  Since there are no public plazas / places to sit in that neighborhood, we walked back to Central Park and sat on the wall right next to the reservoir, and did that talking thing we do.  (See the April 10th entry, for the story of our last meeting ... )

We talked about masks and staying light on your feet, about Julia's recent trip to Senegal, Chris' experiences as a touring musician, and of course, my upcoming adventure and my recent struggles / changes / etc.  J gave me a few LOVELY gifts, which were particularly moving because they told me that she really knows who I am, under the mask.  Most everyone else is buying what I am selling hook line and sinker, and that is how it should be right now, but it's so important to have people who really know you.  For so many years now, Julia has been one of those people, and I am so grateful for her.

Since they have a 7am flight out of Kennedy tomorrow, we parted ways around 830.  I could've stayed all night again, like last time, but I didn't mind making the 930 train out of Penn either.  We hugged more, and promised to Skype while I am away, and then parted ways.  I will miss them this summer.  Such wonderful, wise people.  Every time I am with them, I feel like I learn so much.  I care so deeply for both of them.

The walk through the park was a bit of an adventure.  I got turned around somehow, which is quite embarrassing, but still managed to make my train on time.  Sore feet and all, walking the streets of The City at sunset was lovely as ever.  I wish I had brought the camera with me, so I could've sprinkled this entry with all of the colors.  I suppose that's alright, though.  You all are going to have more pictures than you'll know what to do with in ten days ...

Tomorrow is a day of errands, followed by my last night working the desk at the 'Seed.  I think I'll go listen to a few tunes, read a chapter or two, then rest.  My heart is full.  Thank you again, dear Julia and Chris, for your kindness and understanding.  I am very blessed to have friends like you.


Inversions ...

It's late again, the second night in a row I am closing on 3am.  Tonight, it is old Yes videos on You Tube, from the Big Generator tour in 1988.  I have never been afraid to admit how much I adore the Trevor Rabin era of that band.  I was just the right age in 1983 (eight) to be blown away by Owner of a Lonely Heart.  I had been playing drums for two years already, and had enjoyed Hall & Oates' Private Eyes album, Genesis' Abacab and The Police's Ghost in the Machine, but there was something about 90125 ... something I definitely didn't have words for when I was eight.  It was my Beatles On Ed Sullivan moment, and I would not be closing in on my 30th drumming anniversary in August if it weren't for that song / album.

It's so nice to be thinking about something good and decent and simple, after a very difficult day.  E has begun to cover most of my shifts at the 'Seed, as I have been phasing out my presence there ahead of my trip.  Unfortunately, this means that she ran into The Muse this morning, and they ended up having a big talk about yoga and psychics and whatnot.  Of course, I was the white elephant in the room, and if not for the oblivious intervention of our mutual friend Harriet, who asked about me and wondered when I was leaving, I never would have come up.  I can't quite put into words why this whole thing got me so upset.  Maybe I just figured the status quo would remain in place until I left.  Maybe I needed the status quo to remain in place until I left.  I don't know ...

What I do know is that I was a mess, and I was disappointed in myself that I couldn't hold on to the diner energy from Friday night.  I guess this is why I am leaving.  I can keep myself busy and put on my mask  and do my work and try to be who everyone needs me to be, but at my core I'm still broken, and I need to connect with some deeper sources if I want to heal.  As a Band Aid, E and I drove up to the Walkway Over The Hudson again.  It was not nearly as smooth a trip as the one last week, but we did find a bit of peace in the end, not only high above the Mighty Hudson but also at Yummies, our favorite little ice cream / mini golf place up the road.  We got home around 10 pm and, you guessed it ... Glee episodes 11 & 12.  We really want to finish season one before I leave, and this week is pretty busy, so we'll see ...

For the record, I pressed the Invert button in Photoshop by accident when I was resizing the photo, and I just loved the colors, so I left it, and named this entry after it.  There doesn't seem to be any deeper meaning to me, at least at the moment, but who knows ... ?  Here, then, is what it actually looked like on the Walkway, looking West.

Good night.  Dream of pink trees.


A Gentle Saturday ...

It's late, going on 3am.  Not sure why I'm up this late, but it's alright.  I can sleep in tomorrow.

Today was a gentle day, still bathing in the positiveness of last night's diner revelations.  After Bug got home with groceries at around 1130, we had a lovely connection over breakfast before running out for some errands in the afternoon.  We went and sat at the 'Bucks for awhile (where I discovered you can read free Marvel comics online!) then came home for a late lunch and to clean the blue drum kit in the basement so we can sell it on Craig's List to make a few dollars for my trip.  After spending a few hours up in The Womb, during which I continued to organize my Mac laptop (Uonaidh, for those who don't know ... ) for the journey, we convened downstairs for this evening's Glee.  (Episodes 9 & 10.  I forgot to mention that we watched episodes 7 & 8 after the diner last night.)  Everyone went to bed around 1am, and now the house is quiet and I am dreaming of what it will be like, exactly twelve days from now, getting ready to land in London ...


Everything Changes ...

The length of this entry is directly inverse to its importance.

E and I had an Anam Cara date tonight, going for a little ride at sunset before settling in at the Oakland Diner.  As we started talking, as she started to put into words her raison d'etre for the summer, there was a tangible shift in our energy, and I finally feel like I can really focus and start getting ready for my departure.

It was one of those conversations, one of those altered spaces, that it's impossible to recreate, so I won't even try.  I think we just both feel much better about who we are and what we are supposed to be, individually and collectively.  I can go now, and it's going to be alright.  Mercy.


Hot Hot Hot ...

For the second day in a row, it was close to one hundred degrees outside, so I spent the day at home, keeping cool and trying to keep my head on straight.  I admit that I've been getting more than a little scared about my upcoming travels, and that my old heart / stress symptoms have been poking around the periphery.  I suppose if you were about to travel across a vast ocean to a couple of countries where you didn't know anyone with very little money for a couple of months, you might have a racing heartbeat from time to time as well.

To keep myself occupied, I actually spent most of the afternoon rereading Jonathan Carroll's The Land of Laughs, which is marvelous, and having a long conversation with Amy, who reached out after sensing my melancholy from afar.  In the evening, Bug and I designed a few more pages of the Starseed website, then when E got home from working the desk, we had din and watched episodes 5 & 6 of Glee.  (More heart openings!  More tears!  So wonderful!)


The Big Sigil Keeps On Working ...

This morning, in the span of about an hour, I found out that the Idirlion ad on Coilhouse.net went live, and then got a response from Terri Windling that she's going to feature The Womb as part of the On Your Desk series on her blog sometime next week.  It seems more eyes may be about to be on me.  I suppose I should be on my best behavior.


After working frantically to get everything spiffy on the Idirlion website and Twiiter account, then stopping for a bite at the Preakness Restaurant, we didn't get down to Avon 'til around 7, which was fine in a way, because most of the people have left by then.  It took a while to create a vibe, but once we did, the colors at sunset more than made up for the delay.



A Mostly Gentle Tuesday ...

I was very tired when I got up this morning.  It felt like I must've had a very active night of dreaming, but I didn't remember any of it, which is weird for me.

E and I had a gentle day, connecting in the morning over her questions about the yoga sutras, and in the afternoon during a ride up Skyline Drive, around Erskine Lake, past the reservoir and over the one lane bridge.

The evening featured another abysmally slow shift at the 'Seed, din and a game of Yahtzee and, of course, two more episodes of Glee.  Kurt's coming out scene was hard to watch, but also uplifting at the same time.

Before I forget again, I got hired yesterday to do a six day retreat with Bhagavan Das up in New Hampshire in October.  A week at a retreat center ... New England in the heart of Autumn ... yeah, that sounds like quite the posh gig.

All for now.  Good night.


Glee ...

Occasionally, just occasionally, I LOVE being Icarus!  If I hadn't changed, I don't think I would have fallen so hard for Glee this evening.

E and J have been talking about this show for a long while now.  Mr Shu, Kurt (especially Kurt) and "That's what you missed on Glee" have become household names / phrases around here, yet I never knew exactly what they were going on about.

Dear god, when those kids sing ... I feel my heart growing three sizes, like the damn Grinch.  I start to remember how much I love music, and how much I want to play and sing.  I really don't understand people who are down on this show, or who don't want their music on it.  

It doesn't matter that it's full of teenage drama.  It doesn't matter that there is auto tune all over the place.  There something going on under the surface that is real, that is opening up things in me.  When that happens, wherever it comes from, you go with it.  Always.

Since getting into Gaga recently, I've started to understand that the pOp initiative was even more than I thought it was when I first stumbled upon My Chem over the winter.  Wearing a mask isn't always a bad thing.  In fact, there is a lot of power in choosing how we want to present ourselves to the world.

There's something going on here, and pOp music is a catalyst.  Fuck pretension.  Use the big energy, the grand gesture, hold it close to your heart and reflect it out and do some good.  Drop the hipster pose, don't be afraid to cry and above all else, just SING.


Instead of Graduation, A Garden ...

I know I do this a lot, but it's hard not to use repeating events in my life to measure how much things have changed.  Today was SSYTT graduation.  Of course, considering the situation with The Muse, I did not attend.  Last year I did attend, another version of me anyway, cheering on E and That Dear Boy.  Bill and Jason were still around.  I barely knew Amy.  I hadn't worked a single day at the 'Seed.

It only took one year, one damn year, for that huge arc to occur : starting working there, becoming friends with The Muse, getting more involved with the shamanic program, playing drums with said Muse and stepping into a leadership role, falling in love with and then promptly losing her, creating The Institute, and now on the cusp of leaving.  From TL to I.Q., from wholeness to heartbreak.  All in one year.  525,600 minutes indeed.

I needed to get my head out of this dichotomy.  Luckily, E was open to a bit of wandering this afternoon.  We drove along some of my favorite Central Jersey roads (what I refer to as Dr. Lisa territory) and wound up at a place called the Leonard J Buck Garden.  It was hot and buggy, but so green, so beautiful : the trees and the manicured paths and the bridges over streams.  We both love places like this.

To refresh, we continued our drive and ended up down at Bridgewater Mall for the second time in as many weeks.  After initially picking the wrong table, we found the right spot, in a bright corner of the food court surrounded by glass, and made another wonderful little circle.  My energy is so heavy, all the time (as these recents posts illustrate, I'm sure) yet my Anam Cara persists.  Bless her.

Since getting home, it's been a quiet evening, mostly just finishing up season three of The Doctor.  A nice break point.  I'll finish up when I get home in September.  Speaking of break points, I think I'll head to bed.  Good night interwebs.  Good night old versions of me.  Good night, all of you whom I love.  Sleep peacefully.  Dream of beautiful things.


No Shape, No Form ...

I was pretty disappointed yesterday when I Reggie canceled the gig that Lisa and I were supposed to do at Yoga Basin.  I was looking forward to seeing and playing with Lisa one more time before leaving, and the nice little crowd we drew last month encouraged me that we'd do even better this time.  But alas, Reg didn't want to compete with the events all over Asbury for gay pride week, so there you go.

Of course, for me selfishly his meant no ride down to the sea, no music making, and really no focus whatsoever for the day.  Bug and I did go to the library in the afternoon, and I did reconnect with some of the old Francesca Lia Block books I used to love, but that was the extent of the day's movement.  E was exhausted after work, so we didn't go for groceries or for a ride or anything.

It's closing in on 1am, and I've been up here all night, since dinner.  There was a vibe floating around the periphery, but it never really solidified.  Time for bed, then, methinks.


A Public Day ...

I had been dreading telling Amy about my upcoming trip.  I'm not sure why.  She has been nothing but supportive, and a steadfast friend, for the better part of a year now, as my life continues to take dizzying turns that would scare many people away.  Even so, I was not looking forward to saying the words, "I'm going to England and Ireland for two months."  Obviously, I did have to tell her, and this morning, I did.

Over tea and brioche in Montclair (we are soooooo Stuff White People Like!) we spoke about the website redesign (she LOVED what we came up with) and about The Institute and when I had to tell her that Brian would be doing the June event solo, I couldn't put it off any longer.  I didn't even get to finish my sentence, when she broke out in a big smile, hugged me and said she was so so glad I was doing this.

She's been present for the whole Mary saga, good and bad.  She was a firm supporter of my last incarnation, and when I regenerated into Icarus!, she was right there still.  She's woo woo enough to understand my power, and can see why me going to those places to heal myself makes sense.  Most importantly, she is fine with E working the desk while I'm away, and holding my job for me until I return.

Leaving Montclair around 130, I felt a bit lighter, like a big block had been lifted, at least in my mind.  When I got to the 'Bucks a little after 2, E was happy to hear that things had gone so well.  I spent some time talking with Katherine and Eddie, and Lisa and Amy called on the phone (Amy just had to tell me again how much she loved the site and how happy she was for me).  Like I said, it was quite the public Icarus! sort of day.

By the time E got out at 430, I was feeling a bit overexposed, so after a quick trip to WalMart (where I picked up the first season of Smallville for $15) we went home for a quiet evening.  After dinner, we watched more Who, featuring the clever and lovely Sally Sparrow and the always marvelous Derek Jacobi, before my cold started acting up.  Now I am cranky.  Now it is time for bed.


Flame Shift #37 ...

I seem to be coming down with another pesky cold, so I'll keep this brief.

Flame Shift #37 was about sitting with my vulnerabilities, and about understanding that the public and private Icarus will have to co-exist in a different way when I'm traveling.

I started the day in a sweat, waking up from a terrible dream involving my parents (the first in a very long time).  I spoke to Amy in the afternoon.  I continued my book organization project.

E covered for me at the 'Seed (since I couldn't leave The Womb) and actually got her job back, teaching Gentle and Restorative.  I am so so happy for her.

We were going to go walk Packanack when my Shift was done, but this cold put the brakes on that.  I think I'll get some rest, then, and hope that these entries get better soon.


A Short Avon Day ...

I'm about four hours into Flame Shift #37 and the energy is not great in the house.  Summer Shifts tend to be rather difficult for me, which should surprise no one.  A quick run down of the day, then, so I can get some rest.

I woke up with the deep depression from last entry still hanging heavily around my neck.  I really, REALLY wanted to go back to my old life.  E was eventually able to help me ground, and we got on with the day, but the feeling never quite left me.

It would not have been my preference to go to Avon early on such a hot, summery day, but knowing that my Flame Shift was looming, and that we'd have to leave by 6pm, we got on with it.  I still can't believe all the people milling about.

I got a pair of shorts (which say Exit 98 on them, and which are so hysterically NOT ME) so we could walk along the edge of the water, which was a highlight.  Then I fiddled with my iPad for a bit while E had a profound experience on the jetty with a crab ...

The ride home was uneventful, stopping at The Windmill and Cake, Bake & Roll, before hitting the Parkway and getting home for the 823pm Shift bell.  Alright.  This entry is boring.  Maybe tomorrow's will have more in it.  Good night.


In A Deep Hole ...

It's a little after 2am, and I am in a deep hole, and I don't want to spread it all over you, gentle reader.  We watched more of The Doctor tonight, two episodes called Human Nature / The Family of Blood.  The choice The Doctor / John Smith had to make underlined why I identify so deeply with the character.  I cried along with him.  I understood his pain.  At its best, the show is not about space ships and time travel and aliens and the like.  It's about love and loss, about loneliness.  I've never seen a fictional character that mirrors my own experiences so deeply.

Today was uneventful.  E and I had a nice breakfast and talked about similar things to what Bug and I talked about yesterday.  (So hard, they both have to work, to keep up with how fast I change.)  She wanted to work on the awful bill basket, and I wanted motion, so I left early for work and spent an hour at B&N, picking up a book on American's in Paris that has been on my radar for a week or two.  Work was its usual slow, depressing Tuesday self, and afterwards I stopped for a few groceries before coming home.  We talked about the big DC Comics news over dinner before sitting to watch The Doctor ...

Alright.  Enough.  Bed.