I just re-read that last entry, and part of me feels a little bad for posting it. It was very raw, and very honest, and I'm not sure if maybe it should have gone in a private journal, if I actually kept a private journal, that is. In fact, I almost erased it, and thought I might put something a bit less incendiary up. The more I thought about it, though, I came to understand that if I did that, I might as well erase the whole damn blog. This is who I am right now, and though I may never read these words again, and though I feel bad inflicting my darkness on those who kindly read these messages in a virtual bottle, I think I HAVE to get it all down fresh, without fear.
I'm not ashamed to say that I hid from the world today. I slept late. I stayed in my pajamas 'til noon. I didn't take Amy's call congratulating me for last night. I watched The Doctor and continued to understand him on a subterranean level. E & I walked around Packanack Lake (unquestionably the highlight of the day). I got further into the iPad, which continues to feel like a game changer. I made grilled cheese for dinner, and continued to be amazed at the 1,001 places where there are little holes in my life. (She adored my grilled cheese sandwiches.) I think I may go read for a bit, and then declare another day over. Mercifully.
This is not the time for the prozac, remember? The 23rd Path is teaching me that the bonds don't stop us from growing, and the experiences we have when we are stuck aren't any less valid than those we have while we are moving forward. In fact, the bonds allow a unique experience for us: the inability to free ourselves from that which ties us down, and thus, to free ourselves from the responsibility of taking action at all. This surrendering to the bonds actually brings emancipation.
ReplyDeleteThe 23rd Path tells us that sometimes our responsibility is to allow the sensations to wash over us, no matter whether these sensations are good or bad, for discomforts of all levels have important places in our lives and evolution, just as pleasures of all levels do. Surrender, and allow them to change your perspective.
Erase your blog post? No. It documents who you were yesterday, and what you were feeling and thinking. Those words are important. Don't regret them today.
Hugs and much love!!!
oh N, pretty much what i was going to say- but so much more elegantly......
ReplyDeleteso i'll just leave you with a ditto and an "i love you", tara.