Four In The Morning, In The Womb, Alone ...

(This is the last of the three eaten posts.  I lost another comment on this one, about my photographs.  Grrrr Blogger!)

It's almost four in the morning, and I just finished listening to the stream of the new Moby album, Destroyed, two times in a row, uninterrupted.  What a beautiful, synthetic, melancholy masterpiece.  Though I love Mister Hall's dance inclinations, as well as his raiding of the Lomax collection, it's always his darker, softer pieces that lure me back for repeat listenings.  (The bonus ambient disc of Hotel springs to mind.)

While listening, I read a couple of very revealing interviews, on The New York Times and Quietus sites, where he talked about moving to Los Angeles and getting sober, among other things, and I found myself really connecting with what he was saying, though I neither need to get sober nor am planning to move to Los Angeles.  It's probably a good thing I've never been one for debauchery, though.

When I get down like this, when I feel lost and alone to the Nth degree, I think about places like LA, full of people like Gerard sings about in The Black Parade, the "broken, beaten and damned."  I can't pretend to be like those people.  I have far too many blessings despite my deep ache.  Still ... walking through a grocery store parking lot after work tonight, alone under the flourescent lights, I felt my own micro version of that.

It's funny to be thinking about desolation and concrete jungles, considering the lovely green wonderland I got to spend an hour walking through this afternoon.  E and I returned to the Laurelwood Arboretum, for the first time in a year and a half, even though it is ten minutes from the house.  The last time we were there, it was the day before the first frost of '09.  Today, of course, spring was in full bloom.

I can't move one foot in front of the other without seeing something I wish I could show her.  I suppose life is going to be like that for awhile, as I explore how best to go on living the kind of life I wanted so deeply to share with her.  A single flower.  A burbling stream.  "LOOK AT THIS", I want to say to her, "IT 'LL CHANGE YOUR LIFE".  But of course I can't, and it won't, so there you go.

I spent the afternoon at the salon, getting my hair and brows done (some things never change!) and was happy to connect with my pals there.  I had a particularly deep chat with Ali, about the public and private selves, and eventually shamanism came up.  I am always so careful talking about my work to "civilians", but there is more to her than I knew, and she is actually signed up to come to the Healing Circle on the 22nd.  Very cool.

The rest of the day was typical.  Chatted on the phone with Amy a bit, went to work from 6 - 830, took calls from T and Paulstro, who both were checking up on me in light of what's going on.  At home, I had dinner and we watched Game of Thrones and I've been up here since 1230, wide awake, wishing I were anything but.  I think I will go read a few pages of Coldheart Canyon, then try to get some sleep.